By now, most of us "educated grown folk" are tired of hearing about Tiger Woods' recent infidelities. I can't turn on the television or radio without hearing some joke, updated news story, or other information about Tiger's sad state of affairs (pun intented). I overhear discussions at work, in the grocery store, and recently witnessed a gossipy conversation about Tiger Woods' wife, Elin, in my favorite bookstore (oh my goodness...a sista can't even get away from the Tiger-hype in the darn bookstore)!
When rumors first leaked about what was really behind Tiger crashing his SUV, I told my husband (and anyone else who'd listen) to leave me out of such trivial conversations. I'd yell, "who the hell cares about what Tiger Woods is doing; people need jobs and health care, and we're sending troops to Afghanistan". But when my 10 year old son came to me so sincerely the other day, and asked me why Tiger Woods would cheat on his wife, I realized that I had a teachable moment and gave my son some time to share what was obviously puzzling him. I just listened to him and and loved him, and talked to him about it on his level. I had to do this; in fact, all of us grown-ups have to do a better job listening to our children's concerns, so that we can help them sort out this crazy world we all live in. So, while we all know that Tiger is an adulterer; his wife is gonna get a better pre-nup agreement; that he asked Elin and the world for forgiveness; and requested privacy for himself and his family, I also know that if we adults don't talk about the deeper issues, and use this as a teachable moment, our children will suffer for the "sins of the father". Not just Tiger's children, but all of our children. So here goes...
All jokes aside, what Tiger did was wrong. But he isn't the first man to cheat on his wife, and he won't be the last. Let me also state for the record, that many women cheat on their husbands for various reasons, as well. Both are wrong. This writing is not to pass judgement, or to start a debate about the reasons people cheat. I am not a saint, and Lord knows that we all fall short of the glory of God. However, I am writing this to begin the conversation around a deeper issue that is rarely discussed at the water cooler, written in the tabloids, or joked about in comedy clubs. It's that conversation about the women who sleep with married men. Those women who make a conscious effort to seek out married men for whatever their reasons. Those women who throw themselves at men, especially those with money, knowing good and darn well that the man has a wife, and sometimes kids, at home. This is for the women who say, "I really don't care about his wife; I'm trying to get mine." Those women who lie to themselves and think that they can take a married man away from his wife and family. Those women who spend much time plotting and calculating their next move on someone else's husband.
Yes, ladies I said it! Somebody needed to. We've been talking all day long about men who cheat on their wives and adultery is still happening in epidemic proporations in America and abroad. Ladies it's time to talk about us and our part in contributing to this problem. Because the reality is that men who cheat consistently would be forced to stop if we didn't have women who disrespect themselves, their own children, and their boyfriend's wife and her children, by sleeping with married men.
I was livid last night after listening to one of Tiger's "girlfriends" on a news story describe how she would periodically ask Tiger how his wife was doing. When asked by the interviewer, how it made her feel when Tiger told her that he and his wife were doing fine, the woman replied that she was a little disappointed, but thought that Karma would get him back one day (then referenced Tiger's SUV crash). I yelled at the television: "Are you friggin serious? Are you stupid? You are knowingly and consistently sleeping with another woman's husband and you have the nerve to talk about Tiger's Karma". WOW!!! After I calmed down, I realized that it's women like her who make it so tough for the rest of us. But all the more reason for me writing this.
Let me say again that we all fall short; everyone of us have secrets that we'd like to bury forever. I know I do! But the time for excuses and hiding is over. It's time for us sisters to tell each other the truth (even if it hurts) and stop co-signing when we learn that one of us is sleeping with a married man. Remember, we are our sister's keeper, and if we can't lovingly correct our sister, then we really aren't keeping each other at all (key word..."lovingly"). Our children need us to be healed and whole and we can't be either if we are not honest with each other and ourselves.
So, my sister...I'm no longer afraid of "lions, and tigers and bears". Nor am I afraid to speak my mind and tell the truth. I'm also no longer afraid to hear the truth about myself (even when it hurts). For when you know and accept the truth about yourself, you are really set free! So, let's not be afraid to tell each other when we are wrong. And when we hear it from a friend, let's be brave enough to admit our transgressions, tell the transgresee that we are sorry, ask God for forgiveness and then FORGIVE OURSELVES (which is sometimes the hardest of them all). We have to do it, ladies...so that the healing can begin and our children and our world will be that much stronger and greater for it!
Thank you Tiger and Elin...for this teachable moment. I am praying that your family is reconciled, and that God's grace and love will keep you in His perfect peace.
Scatter Joy,
Denise
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Am I My Sister's Keeper?
Reunited and it feels so good... Yes, I'm back and reunited with blogging. It's been over three months since I started this blog and over three months since my last post. When I started blogging, I just knew that I'd be able to post once a week, but life happens to all of us. In my last blog I asked a question: "Are you your sister's keeper" and out of 23 people who responded to the poll, 100% responded, "yes". There were those who said "yes" with conditions, but I was pleasantly surprised by the results. I believe that we are our sister's keeper. It's the only way we can heal ourselves, our families, our nation and our world. But what does being your sister's keeper really mean?
Over the past three months, I have witnessed many acts of sisters "keeping" each other. I have watched a sister-friend bring over an entire home cooked meal for another sister who was ill with the flu. I have read emails, letters and cards from women who just wanted to encourage another sister and her family. I have heard women in the grocery store schooling their young daughters on how to pick out the best yams, and get the best price for turkey. I even overheard another sister lovingly "check" another sister for missing a doctor's appointment because she "just didn't have time to go". The most impactful act that I witnessed first hand was a "Girl Power" event that I attended for women and girls the Tuesday before Thanksgiving at Martin Luther King Junior High School in Cleveland.
The event was organized by Cleveland Metropolitan's School District's own Kasey Morgan, and what a fabulous event it was! Over two hundred young girls were treated to workshops on health and wellness, making good decisions, alcohol and drug prevention, preganacy prevention and so much more. Mothers and guardians attended as well, and heard presentations from local programs such as Tapestry, Windsor Laurelwood, No Return and representatives from CMSD. The event was culminated with a heart-warming, inspiring and passionate presentation by Cleveland's own Yvonne Pointer , who shared her personal story of turning tragedy into triumph. The entire auditorium was moved, girls and women were engaged, and it was obvious that every girl and woman in the room made a "heart" connection. I took my mom, my mother-in-law and my two daughters, and we had a great time bonding with so many other women and girls.
Witnessing the "Girl Power" event last week brought home the fact that, while women typically "keep" our friends and family, we can still do more to "keep" women and girls that aren't in our immediate circle. Much has been written lately about the terrible ways that women treat each other. In the August 2009 issue of ESSENCE magazine, Kierna Mayo examines why other Black women are often our worst enemies and how we can put aside jealousies to love, support, and affirm our sisters. Mayo vividly describes the reality for some sisters who spend years embroiled in never-ending drama with other Black women. Mayo writes about a woman she calles Nikia Macklin: "Whenever she walked into a room full of sisters, she could feel the negative energy. Who's she looking at? was her mantra. And she wasn't alone. Starting as far back as junior high school and lasting well into adulthood, Macklin rolled with a crew of girlfriends who would set it off anywhere, on anyone. Confrontations spilled over into her professional life, and it wasn't until she was in her thirties that she realized that she was projecting all the stuff going on inside of herself onto nearly every other woman she met."
Unfortunately, this type of "bad behavior" knows no color, and women of other races share similar stories of jealousy, insecurity and downright hate. There are plenty of us who don't treat our fellow sisters this way, and most of our encounters don't turn into verbal or physical confrontations. The events and acts I refered to earlier support the fact that many of us regularly engage in "sister keeping". Then, of course, there's the other extreme where some sisters spend so much time keeping others, that they don't take care of themselves (I'm not an advocate of this side either). While there must be balance in our sister keeping, most of us will admit that there is still more that we can do...for each other and for the young women who look to us as examples.
So, here is a challenge for you this week: pick a day and don't gossip or complain about another woman or girl. Instead make it your mission that day to support another sister you don't know (pick a young sister and one your age or older). Be intentional about it, even if you have to write yourself a reminder note. Compliment her, smile at her, speak an encouraging word to her, allow her to get in front of you at the grocery store, share your story, buy something you like and give it to her (yes, give it away to another sister you don't know). If you're feeling like you're the one who needs the compliment, the smile, the encouraging word, the gift, etc...then it means you really need to do this for someone else. Because at the end of the day, we get what we give...so why not give to another woman today? Afterall, we are our sister's keeper!
Scatter wisdom, peace and joy........D
Over the past three months, I have witnessed many acts of sisters "keeping" each other. I have watched a sister-friend bring over an entire home cooked meal for another sister who was ill with the flu. I have read emails, letters and cards from women who just wanted to encourage another sister and her family. I have heard women in the grocery store schooling their young daughters on how to pick out the best yams, and get the best price for turkey. I even overheard another sister lovingly "check" another sister for missing a doctor's appointment because she "just didn't have time to go". The most impactful act that I witnessed first hand was a "Girl Power" event that I attended for women and girls the Tuesday before Thanksgiving at Martin Luther King Junior High School in Cleveland.
The event was organized by Cleveland Metropolitan's School District's own Kasey Morgan, and what a fabulous event it was! Over two hundred young girls were treated to workshops on health and wellness, making good decisions, alcohol and drug prevention, preganacy prevention and so much more. Mothers and guardians attended as well, and heard presentations from local programs such as Tapestry, Windsor Laurelwood, No Return and representatives from CMSD. The event was culminated with a heart-warming, inspiring and passionate presentation by Cleveland's own Yvonne Pointer , who shared her personal story of turning tragedy into triumph. The entire auditorium was moved, girls and women were engaged, and it was obvious that every girl and woman in the room made a "heart" connection. I took my mom, my mother-in-law and my two daughters, and we had a great time bonding with so many other women and girls.
Witnessing the "Girl Power" event last week brought home the fact that, while women typically "keep" our friends and family, we can still do more to "keep" women and girls that aren't in our immediate circle. Much has been written lately about the terrible ways that women treat each other. In the August 2009 issue of ESSENCE magazine, Kierna Mayo examines why other Black women are often our worst enemies and how we can put aside jealousies to love, support, and affirm our sisters. Mayo vividly describes the reality for some sisters who spend years embroiled in never-ending drama with other Black women. Mayo writes about a woman she calles Nikia Macklin: "Whenever she walked into a room full of sisters, she could feel the negative energy. Who's she looking at? was her mantra. And she wasn't alone. Starting as far back as junior high school and lasting well into adulthood, Macklin rolled with a crew of girlfriends who would set it off anywhere, on anyone. Confrontations spilled over into her professional life, and it wasn't until she was in her thirties that she realized that she was projecting all the stuff going on inside of herself onto nearly every other woman she met."
Unfortunately, this type of "bad behavior" knows no color, and women of other races share similar stories of jealousy, insecurity and downright hate. There are plenty of us who don't treat our fellow sisters this way, and most of our encounters don't turn into verbal or physical confrontations. The events and acts I refered to earlier support the fact that many of us regularly engage in "sister keeping". Then, of course, there's the other extreme where some sisters spend so much time keeping others, that they don't take care of themselves (I'm not an advocate of this side either). While there must be balance in our sister keeping, most of us will admit that there is still more that we can do...for each other and for the young women who look to us as examples.
So, here is a challenge for you this week: pick a day and don't gossip or complain about another woman or girl. Instead make it your mission that day to support another sister you don't know (pick a young sister and one your age or older). Be intentional about it, even if you have to write yourself a reminder note. Compliment her, smile at her, speak an encouraging word to her, allow her to get in front of you at the grocery store, share your story, buy something you like and give it to her (yes, give it away to another sister you don't know). If you're feeling like you're the one who needs the compliment, the smile, the encouraging word, the gift, etc...then it means you really need to do this for someone else. Because at the end of the day, we get what we give...so why not give to another woman today? Afterall, we are our sister's keeper!
Scatter wisdom, peace and joy........D
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